America, But Better by Chris Cannon

Author:Chris Cannon
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: HUM006000
Publisher: D & M Publishers
Published: 2012-07-05T16:00:00+00:00

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Canafact

Exxon and WalMart are now the largest people in the United States. But the average American is catching up.

It’s a Promise!

Corporations will still be people, but if they can’t provide a birth certificate they will be legally obligated to care for your lawn.

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3.3 Thoughts on Relieving America’s Sexual Tension

Let’s cut right to the chase. If God didn’t want us fucking like rabbits, He would have designed us for asexual reproduction, like the frigid but numerous amoeba. If God wanted sex reserved for procreation, an orgasm would feel less like heaven and more like acute gastroenteritis. If God didn’t want us to know and love our own bodies, He wouldn’t have left us with the instructions, “Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you.” (The Word of God is much hotter in the biblical Aramaic.)

Were these divine oversights? No. Did He suffer from some sort of Almighty schizophrenia? No. Was He distracted by Eve’s revealing fig bodice? Probably. Because the bottom line is this: God. Loves. Sex. We don’t know if He loves having it Himself, but He clearly loves it for His creations. And not just sex, but...

Nudity: “At the same time spake the LORD by Isaiah the son of Amoz, saying, Go and loose the sackcloth from off thy loins, and put off thy shoe from thy foot. And he did so, walking naked and barefoot.” (Isaiah 20:2)

Exhibitionism: “How glorious was the king of Israel to day, who uncovered himself to day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovereth himself!” (ii Samuel 6:20)

Incest: “And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch.” (Genesis 4:17) (The only woman on earth at the time was Cain’s mom. Ew.)

Fecophilia: “And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight.” (Ezekiel 4:12)

Strip clubs: “Behold, I am against thee, saith the LORD of hosts; and I will discover thy skirts upon thy face, and I will shew the nations thy nakedness, and the kingdoms thy shame.” (Nahum 3:5)

Penthouse Forum letters: “For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.” (Ezekiel 23:20)

And what the hell, while we’re at it, why not:

Fart jokes: “Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh.” (Isaiah 16:11)

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